I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
