Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Randomize
