I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
