Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
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