I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
