At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
