Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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