I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
