My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
