I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
