You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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