3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
