Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
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