Your face is a jimmy john
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
do herpes really smell.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
