oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
