Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
