I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
