Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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