i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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