so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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