just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
