Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
