highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
