my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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