I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
As shirtless as possible
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
