How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
