When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
