I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
