Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
