You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
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