don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Randomize
