Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
