He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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