i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
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