im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
