we have pet lesbian snakes
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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