My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
i love accidental penises.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
