I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Randomize
