what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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