if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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