My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
