Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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