i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
