Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I deserve this hangover.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I think i got beer on your cat.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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