Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
