Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
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