M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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