My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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