How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Randomize
