i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
