he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
