the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Randomize
