don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
