no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
