The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Randomize
